


make this go on forever

by dejaentends



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Mirror of Erised, RSCandyHearts, it's not a get together fic but like they did not realize that they liked each other, no beta reader we die like remus lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29771136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dejaentends/pseuds/dejaentends
Summary: Sirius asks Remus out for Valentine's Day 1977 in a friendly, mate-you've-been-shagging-all-year-but-never-talk-about-feelings-with, kind of way. He just wants to show him something cool he found. That's it.The fic is not as sad as the song it's titled after.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 83
Collections: The Candy Hearts Challenge





	make this go on forever

Sirius asked James to borrow the invisibility cloak—a question of grave importance, since the cloak had, according to James, been in his family for centuries. Sirius and Remus privately wondered how that was possible, since the lifespan of the best invisibility cloaks were at most fifty years, but James got offended whenever they brought up the idea that his father had lied to him. 

“Potters don’t lie!” That brought a great laugh, the statement made even more hilarious by the fact that the four boys were stationed at a secluded edge of the Forbidden Forest, passing two joints around, Remus only free because James had lied to Lily and said he was feeling ill from his “monthly cycle” and could not perform his prefect duties. 

“Alright, alright, only for matters of grave importance.” 

Peter coughed out a cloud of smoke; James’ grandiose statement had choked out a laugh mid-hit. 

“Nothing more important than smoking pot, right, Prongs?” Sirius asked. 

“I can think of two things more important,” Peter answered. “One, birds.” James nodded solemnly, while Sirius and Remus’ gazes both flickered to the other for just a moment. A light blush spread across Sirius’ cheeks; he looked away as Remus took a long drag and stared up at the bare trees poking into the sky above, but drew his eyes back over after just a moment. _No self-control, that’s your problem._

“And two… right, I think if I’ve got birds, grass, and some music I’ll be chuffed.” 

Sirius tore his eyes away from Remus’ outstretched neck, a red scarf (a Christmas gift from Andromeda) hanging around it, barely concealing a love bite right above his collarbone that Sirius had left that very morning. 

“You’ve forgotten about us, Wormy. Bird, pot, and music with no friends sounds quite lonely,” Sirius laughed. 

“Don’t have to list you three, doubt you’ll ever leave me alone,” Peter replied, taking the joint from Remus right as James passed to Sirius. 

“You both prove my point beautifully,” James said, his voice dragging over the words. “It’s not about the pot, it’s about the friendship.” He pointed his wand at the fire positioned in the middle of their circle, doubling its size and turning it a blazing red. Sirius took a hit, savoring the burn in his throat. He leaned back, the late afternoon sky a pinkish-orange, matching the spirit of the upcoming Valentine’s Day. _Oh!_ He remembered what he’d been asking James in the first place. 

“So, can I borrow the cloak? Around Valentines?” He passed the joint to Remus, avoiding his—friends? lovers?— eye contact as their fingers brushed together and the jolt of electricity that Sirius knew he’d never get used to ran through him. 

It was unfortunate he was discussing his Valentine’s plans around Remus, but they weren’t a couple or committed, they never spoke about what _this_ was. Remus may not even realize Sirius intended these plans to involve the two of them. 

“‘Suppose. But please, Padfoot, for the love of Merlin, do not take a girl under there.” 

“I swear on your mother’s grave. No one new under the cloak.” At that, James threw a sizable branch at Sirius’ head, which Sirius expertly dodged. 

“My mother? I swear, Black, if you bring her to an early death—” 

“I’ll try to bring my own mother to an early death first, then maybe yours. I already managed Alphard.” 

Remus let out a loud and throaty laugh, and Sirius joined in, laughing so violently his eyes watered. 

“Do you… do you think you gave my mother an early death too, or was it just your bad influence on me?” Remus choked out, grabbing Sirius by the shoulder to hold himself up. On instinct, Sirius leaned in, resulting in the two boys hanging off of each other, laughing about their respective dead relatives. James and Peter looked on for a moment, brains slow from the pot, before finding the plot and laughing along. When the laughter settled down, Sirius was sat close enough to Remus to feel the heat radiating off his body. He scooted just a touch closer, their knees now brushing together. He denied himself the pleasure of looking at his friend, instead staring into the fire, trying to convince himself that was the only source of the heat rising in his body. 

☽★☾★☽★☾★☽★☾★☽★☽★☾★☽★☾

James agreed to lend Sirius the cloak the weekend after Valentine’s Day. It lined up perfectly; that Friday was a new moon, Remus’ favorite time of the month for nighttime wanderings. Now he needed to ask Remus on… was it a date? Their first date, on Valentine’s Day? Or another night of wandering into an abandoned classroom or secret passageway to get a bit more of a thrill than snogging in their beds gave? Sirius couldn’t remember why he had this idea in the first place, he only knew he needed to show Remus what he’d found before he showed anyone else. He wanted it to matter. 

The full moon fell on a Thursday night, almost two weeks away from Sirius’ hoped-for _thing_ with Remus. He refused to refer to it as a date, even to himself (the only person aware of the _thing_ so far), for the fluttery nerves it gave him were too much to bear. It reminded him of when the girls talked about their crushes in their early teen years, and that comparison was too shallow, too simple to encompass his feelings for Remus. _Feelings for, does this mean you have feelings for him? For Moony?_ He asked himself as he lay in the raged bed in the Shrieking Shack next to a shuddering but sleeping Remus. 

That night their escapades were excellent; they’d gone deeper into the forest than ever before—Moony fought what James referred to as a baby Acromantula, and they thought they may’ve come upon the centaurs village. Their animal's instincts warned them away, even the werewolf knew not to encroach on that territory. Once again Sirius got the rush of connecting with Remus on an animal level. The wolf and the dog, speaking to each other through sniffs and barks and snorts and _understanding_. It was the deepest intimacy Sirius ever felt. 

Sirius sat up, clearing his head of the daydreams (his brain ached from wondering if Remus felt that animal connection too). He leaned over Remus’ prone body and ran his hands over the wounds, pushing his magic into the other boy’s body to feel for broken bones or punctures, their magic dancing together. Satisfied there were no urgent injuries, he kissed Remus on the forehead and made his way to the door. 

“Mm… I’ve got a question.” 

Sirius turned slowly to face Remus again. 

“Yeah, Moons?” 

“Who’re you taking out on Valentine’s? Y’know, the cloak.” Pain was etched on Remus’ features, the same as after every full moon, but Sirius wondered if a bit of it came from asking the question. 

“Answer while I’m still feeling—” A pause while Remus breathed deep. “Vulnerable.” 

Sirius sat back on the bed and reached both hands towards Remus, but paused with a jolt in midair. 

_What if he says no?_

“Erm…” Sirius stuttered as he pulled his hands back. 

_Be brave. Be brave like Moony._

“I wanted to take you.” 

Remus’ eyes shot open, a hand flew up to his neck, touching the love bite that still hadn’t faded. A gentle smile spread across his face. Sirius wanted to kiss it off of him. Suddenly, he realized he could. 

“A bit obvious when you think about it, huh?” Remus laughed his throaty, irresistible laugh. 

Sirius reached his hand to touch Remus’, still resting on his neck, and twisted their fingers together. The all-too-familiar electricity shot through his hand, and as he looked into Remus’ tired but contented eyes everything so obvious came crashing down on Sirius. Obviously Remus felt the electricity too, obviously Remus wanted to spend Valentine’s with him, obviously Remus wanted to snog the daylight out of Sirius. With that realization, Sirius crashed their lips together with months of built-up passion. After a few beautiful moments of snogging, Sirius dragged his head back a centimeter. 

“That’s a yes?” he whispered into Remus’ lips. 

“Yes, Pads, I’ll go. And you should too—Pomfrey’ll be here soon.” 

After one last lingering kiss, then a minute thinking about Quidditch plays to put out the flame in his belly (“You know sitting on my bedside with a semi-on ruins the moment.”) Sirius left the Shrieking Shack. His thoughts raced the whole way back to the castle, to the point he almost walked straight in Hagrid on his morning walk-about. 

Their short conversation had changed everything. Before, Sirius refused to think about what his and Remus’ _thing_ meant. Delving into the swirling mass of love and shame, self-hate and desire surrounding the idea of him and Remus was too hard to do alone. Now, he knew that he could sort through it with Remus. Because Remus wanted him, too, not just as a quick shag, but as… he didn’t know yet. For the first time, not knowing was freeing instead of suffocating; Remus wanted Sirius in a way that made him feel _vulnerable_. Exposed. _We can show ourselves to each other if no one else_. That was enough. 

☽★☾★☽★☾★☽★☾★☽★☽★☾★☽★☾

The days leading up to their _rendez-vous_ (using French distraced Sirius from the fact that he was, truly, taking Remus on a date) were normal, if not for the pestering of the other two marauders about Sirius’s “lady love”. On Valentine's Day, Remus had prefect duty with Lily, a fact that both infuriated and comforted James. After spending half of the night skulking about the corridors and hoping to run into Remus, Sirius spent the rest of his Valentine’s in bed, tense, waiting for his own celebration, turning ideas over in his head of what to say to his date. 

Then came the night. James handed Sirius the cloak with a wink, and Sirius left the dormitory, heading to the library where he knew Moony was waiting for him. The uncomfortable fluttering started again in his stomach as he took the quickest route he knew to the library, taking each deserted staircase two steps at a time. _Why are you nervous? You’ve shagged him already, and he’s done you! There’s nothing else to be nervous for!_ Sirius repeated the lies back to himself, chuckling painfully when he realized how full of shit he was. As he neared the library, Remus’ magic became palatable, the tingle and distinct, earthy musk. He smelled the same when Slughorn made Amortentia. 

One, two, three deep breaths in to calm the fluttering. Sirius leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, unable to work through his nerves and take a step into the library. _Why is this so damn hard?_ _Merlin, when have nerves held you back?_ He decided to think about Moony. Sweet, sarcastic, straightforward Moony, with the best right hook of the marauders and a mean streak reserved for Sirius. He opened his eyes to the bare stone wall before the library and turned to walk in, slamming right into Remus. 

“Hullo, Pads. Meeting someone here?” 

Sirius clenched his jaw for a moment, then answered. 

“Why, yes, Moons, I am. Have you seen anyone by this description? Six feet tall, dark brown hair, a scar staring at the top of the left hip bone and—”

“Think I have,” Remus smirked and checked his watch. “I was meant to meet someone as well, short, a bit whiny, a bad tattoo on the right of their ribcage. But they’re a few minutes late…” 

“May as well keep each other company, then.” Sirius’ face went hot, he hoped he wasn’t turning red but Remus’ growing smirk told him he was. 

“Might as well. You lead the way?” 

They walked in silence to an enclave and Sirius pulled the cloak over them, then pulled out the map to check if the corridor was deserted. It was ten after nine, past curfew for all of the students. 

“Coast is clear. In this corridor, and the next.” 

Sirius peered up at Remus, nearly a head taller than him, and lost his next words. The pair hadn’t been alone since their agreement to go out, and now, standing just inches away from each other in an empty corridor wiped Sirius’ mind clean. Remus reached down to Sirius’ free hand and wrapped it in his, studying Sirius’ face all the while. 

“Lead the way,” the taller boy said after their fingers were fully laced together, palms pressed against one and another, Moony’s thumb rubbing circles on Sirius’. The duo started down the corridor, then crept down a narrow hall that a less explored student may call a secret passage. _Merlin, we’ve never held hands like this before_ , Sirius realized as he pulled Remus behind a tapestry that hid one of the third-floor corridors. He stopped, glanced at the map to confirm desertion, and looked up at Remus. His under-eye circles were extra pronounced in the shadows, Sirius noticed. 

“I adore your eyes,” Sirius murmured, shocked at himself as the words came out. 

“So this _is_ a date.” They chuckled at their own immaturity and fear; standing in the dark secret passageway made it easy to pretend that’s the only reason they couldn’t tell each other the truth. 

“It is. Sorry I didn’t bring you flowers.” 

“I expect them on my bedside table before I wake tomorrow. And no roses. Too cliché.” 

And then Remus took Sirius’ face in his free hand and kissed him, slow and soft, taking his time to savor each brush of the lips because this was their _first_ chance. No bell, no dormmates coming back up or chance of a classroom door bursting open. A languid heat filled Sirius, ebbing and flowing like a tide. He brought their hands up, still clasped together, in a desperate attempt to touch Remus more. On instinct, Sirius pushed Remus into the wall behind him, before Remus pulled away with a satisfied smile. 

“Aren’t you taking me somewhere?” 

“I’d forgotten.” 

“You are a horrible date.” 

A shiver ran through Sirius that he forced himself to ignore. 

The taller boy freed himself from his position between Sirius and the wall and pulled him ahead. 

“We’re nearly there,” Sirius said, studying the map. Another turn, a strange half stair, and an old, forgotten door found the boys at the spot Sirius picked for their date. An old classroom with a few desks pushed against the wall and tall, glassless windows, it wasn’t traditionally romantic. 

At the front of the room stood a mirror with a strange and enticing aura about it. Remus looked between the mirror, the almost empty floors, and Sirius. 

“What’s this about?” 

“It’s—it might be easier if I show you.” 

He pulled Remus to the mirror, his stomach turning into solid stone all the while. _What will he see?_ Their hands were clammy now after holding them together for so long, but Sirius refused to break apart. He needed a tether to bear this daring experiment. 

Sirius stood in front of the mirror, Remus at his side, and the background rapidly changed. A cosy flat spread out behind them, James, Peter, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas on the couch and chairs behind them sharing butterbeer and laughing. Sirius and Remus were still holding hands, but at closer inspection, they were older, and Remus’ clothes weren’t shabby. An intricate tattoo peeked out of Sirius’ shirt, and he held a twelve-pack of butterbeer and a record in his free hand. He couldn’t see the cover, but he knew it was new Bowie. Remus held a brown grocery bag that Sirius knew contained food for their guests—he knew it was their shared flat, too. One door in the background led to a bedroom. They stood there for a long moment, Sirius soaking in what he desired more than anything to be his future. 

“I know there’s something I’m missing, mate.” 

The illusion broke, though he still saw his older self and friends in the mirror before him. Realizing that Sirius had, for some unknowable reason, gone through a shock, Remus squeezed his hand. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just, erm, here.” He moved to the side and pulled Remus right in front of the mirror. The other boy’s green eyes widened, he reached up to touch his collarbone where a scar peaked out. 

“What is this?” His voice was tight, like he was hiding anger. 

“I dunno. The top says ‘Mirror of Erised’, I found it about a month ago.” Sirius paused as Remus’ expression loosened. The green-eyed boy removed his hand from Sirius and lifted his shirt slightly to show his oldest scar to the mirror, tension visibly wracking his body as he saw his torso reflected back in the mirror. He put his shirt back down and turned to Sirius, shaking. 

“Why did you bring me here?” 

_Fuck_. Sirius sunk his nails into his palm, trying desperately to draw blood to distract from this horrible outcome. 

“Do you want to know what I see?” Sirius asked. It was his only chance at redemption. 

“What do you see, Sirius?” Remus sighed and walked away from the mirror, perching himself on one of the desks and looking at the clear night sky. 

“I see us, and Prongs and Wormy, Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, all together. Because you and I are together. It’s our flat, and they’re over for dinner, or a party, or something, and we have the newest Bowie record and we’re holding hands.” He choked the last bit, his hand felt empty now that Remus let go. His space felt wrong since Remus crossed the room. “I wanted to show you first because…” 

He’d never figured out why. He’d only considered that Remus might see the same, or see something else, and the specifics of something else didn’t matter to Sirius. _But they should’ve._

“Padfoot. I—fuck. You were in my mirror, too. But you know what else I saw.” 

Sirius crossed the room and sat on a chair next to Remus’ desk, at least two feet below him. His heart was racing and cracked, so different from how it was back in the deserted corridors or the Shrieking Shack. He wondered if whatever the mirror showed was the person’s impossible dream. 

“Moony, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I never do.” Sirius gave a feeble smile and reached for his friend’s hand across the desk. Their fingertips brushed together, the electricity crackling, but Remus did not extend his hand. 

“I know, Padfoot. I know. Maybe I should look again. I have to want more for my life than the impossible.” But he didn’t stand. Melancholy settled over the room like a thin layer of snow. 

“We don’t know it’s impossible. And even if it is…” Sirius didn’t want to say he didn’t care, since he wanted so dearly for Moony to be freed from his painful curse. “In my mirror, you might be cured. You might not. My deepest desire—if that’s what the mirror shows—was just you. And our friends. My heart doesn’t know the difference between Moony the werewolf and Moony the non-werewolf with an illogical nickname.” 

A true smile from Remus melted most of the melancholy that had settled over them. He grasped Sirius’ hand again and strode across the room with an air of forced confidence. 

“Moons, if you think it’ll be too painful—” 

“I wanna know. There _is_ more to me than being a werewolf.” 

Sirius rubbed circles on Remus’ thumb as his heart’s pace quickened again, this time a hard thrum of thrill. Remus’ mouth was set in a line, eyes hard, attempting to appear emotionless in the face of great difficulty. He stood in front of the mirror, inspecting each curve and edge. His grip on Sirius' hand tightened as his eyes passed over his own visage, and stayed tight as he looked at the spot where Sirius anticipated he stood. 

“Erised is desire backward.” 

“Is that what you’re focusing on so intently? A word scramble?” Sirius asked, smirking. “So like you, Professor Lupin.” 

“I think… that the mirror shows the heart’s greatest desire.” 

He turned and faced Sirius, eyes no longer hard but wild, free, like a stormy ocean, and suddenly Sirius was caught out to sea, no one but Moony holding him afloat. 

“What’d you see this time?” Sirius' voice shook with intensity. 

“I was cured. And you were there, but we weren’t holding hands.” A pit opened in Sirius' stomach. He was drowning. “We had our arms around each other." Sirius ached to kiss the teasing bastard. "And you looked at me how you’re looking at me just now, with absolute mindless adoration. And mirror me felt like he deserved it.” 

The next morning, a bouquet of hyacinth, paperwhites and lilac sat in a clear vase on Remus' bedside table when he woke. 

**Author's Note:**

> my prompt was heart desire in [goodboylupin's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebetterwords) RS Candy Hearts challange


End file.
